Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Randomize
