On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
