Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Randomize
