Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Randomize
