I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
ugly people sure do ruin things
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
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