so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
