Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
