it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
