Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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