come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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