Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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