I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
