I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Randomize
