Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
