Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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