Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Randomize
