You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
