i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
