Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
The beer is more important than you right now.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
