you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
