She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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