I wish I could teleport
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Randomize
