You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
