She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Randomize
