airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
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