Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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