Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
