my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
