im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
