I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
