I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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