Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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