don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
