Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Randomize
