I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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