It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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