Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
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