There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
