I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Randomize
