he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
