so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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