Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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