a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
