I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
