Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
What I dont get about To Catch a Predator is who the fuck still uses chat rooms?
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
he fucked my hip out of place.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
