forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Randomize
