the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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