If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
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