I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
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