Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Randomize
