pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
