dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
