If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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