um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
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